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The Reduction Diaries
The diaries of a woman shedding 57% of her body weight by December 24, 2006. She'll also be shedding clutter, bad habits, toxic people, and probably a few tears along the way.Age: 30 Height: 5'9 Starting Weight: 381 LBS Goal Weight: 165 LBS Total Planned Loss: 216 LBS
360 LBS
Exercise Goal: To be walking 65 Minutes a day by December 1, 2005 Current Exercise: Trying To Walk 15 Minutes A Day E-mail: thereductiondiaries at gmail dot com |
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Saturday, December 04, 2004
Rock Bottom There is, I have read in a number of books, a point at which addicts and overeaters have gone as far down the path as they're willing to go, and they hit what so many therapists call "rock bottom". It's a different point for everyone. Some gamblers hit their bottom when they are faced with stealing to feed their habit, others don't hit it until someone dies as a direct result of their lust for the races or some other damn thing. Most doctors/therapists/self-appointed assvice-givers declare that all you have to do is reach that point, and things will be totally better from then on. Because, you know, you'll be unable to continue on that path somehow. Because of the rock bottom. What I want to know is, what about those of us who have an astonishing capacity to hit rock bottom and then fall right through it to the next level? What about those of us who view rock bottoms as minor pit stops of requisite guilt before getting out the shovel and fucking digging? I hate the Rock Bottom Theory. I hit 381 pounds before I was even vaguely aware, in some shadowy recess of my mind, that perhaps all was not well in my immediate environment. But then, being hopelessly overwhelmed by the situation, and having no real idea of whether I was actually obese or slender (can anyone here say dysmorphia?), I just tucked my head back under the blanket of my foggy thinking and kept right on going. After vowing never to set foot on a scale again, of course. I hit 381 between July 2000 and June 2001. I have very little memory of that time. I just know that the doctor who weighed me told me his scale wouldn't read the weight correctly and that I had to come back. I did, amazingly, and used the scale he'd borrowed from the hospital. That number should have been enough to tell me something was very, very wrong, but it just wasn't. Since then, I have gradually (oh, so gradually) lost little bits of weight here and there and regained some, and lost it again. In February or March of this year, I became obsessed with the idea that my fat was killing me, that I had diabetes or PCOS or heart disease or maybe all three! I scrounged up the courage to go to the doctor and had a complete physical. Miraculously (and I do mean miraculously), there were few health problems. Blood pressure was high, cholesterol was through the roof, but other than that... nothing. Which was celebrated by promptly gaining about 25 lbs. Since then, though... there has been a slow but steady application of the brakes on my self-destructive lifestyle. A painfully slow realization of the situation I was in, and equally slow changes in my eating habits and thinking patterns. There was no rock bottom for me, just a bit-by-bit understanding that I could no longer do this with impunity. Now that I've started down this road I see things almost every week that make me gasp in new wonder at the incredible state I've gotten into, but those are only spurring points. And every day I have to remember that I'm changing or else I slip right back into consuming a number of calories that would make an entire football team keel over. Now that I have some kind of a mental handle on my situation, here is where I'm going with it. My highest recorded weight was 381. In February of 2004 I weighed 325. By June of 2004, I was back up to about 350. Over the summer I got back down to about 338, and then gained more in the fall. I am currently, as of yesterday, 346 lbs. My goal weight is what the charts say it should be, which is 165 lbs. If I lose an average of 3.5 pounds a week (15 pounds a month) from now until December 2005, I should be at or very near my goal weight. I wonder if I should start a pool on this... |